Nice to Meet you

You meet him here like you have met him here for 1,000 years. They tell you his name but when your eyes lock with his you already had that conversation between the two of you as your Souls fit into each other. A thousand years of feelings flood your body and you are drunk on his love. He puts his hand out to shake your hand as if to complete the formal introduction. You look down reluctant to touch him. You lightly shake his hand fully expecting to be struck by lightning. As his cool skin makes the first millisecond of contact with you Every nerve in your body erupts in simultaneously fireworks going off all over your body. You glance up to see if he just felt that, he was already staring at you. The rest of the world stopped existing and you are a puddle of yourself in front of this man you have just met for the 1000th time and the rest of your life.

If Nothing Changes Story

This was an exercise I did for a class called Lab in 2015 with Amy Oscar. It was to bring our awareness to the Story we seem to be in. So we could recognize where we were and also what areas of the Story that were no longer supporting us.

Reading this a year later sort of makes me Laugh because Man did I wake up and make changes last year. This could explain why I am feeling like my body is need or asking me to rest so much this year.

So here is the dialogue or download or conversation I had with myself about my story May 2015:
If nothing changes she will continue to be broke working starter admin jobs that she has a natural gift to excel in but does not get any personal pay off doing.  She will also keep getting her feelings hurt hearing her kid say that he wants his dad to pick him up from school and watch the fit he has when he tells her he wants to stay with dad every night especially since she stayed home with him the first 5yrs of his life.  If nothing changes she will keep feeling misunderstood by her family who does not understand spirituality or intuition they only understand religious rules that are dictated to them for their understanding.  If nothing changes her not making a choice to take charge of her life and give it direction will be her choice.  If nothing changes her marriage will continue to be the hardest thing she has ever done in this life.  If nothing changes I will create a pretty picture of a life that is not real.  And just like Facebook Everyone will believe that shit!

Momma

Today started like every other the alarm went off she told herself just 1 more hour. She wakes up and the kids are coming in the door from school. She told herself yesterday she wasn't going to sleep all day. She throws the sheets back putting all of her energy into standing up. Teetering she stands there a minute finding her balance thinking about the bed and how it loves her. She loves how sleep is blackness how time swirls past so quickly how when she is sleeping real life doesn't exist and she can be whoever she wants in her dreams and feel only the things she wants to feel. It is her escape and she would choose it over her Real Life any time.

The kids are done with their homework and their chores and are now picking fights with each other because they are bored. They are pulling her in all directions one is hungry, one wants the wifi password, and the other one is locked in the room with the music entirely too loud. Don't they know she is about to loose it? Can't they tell she is on the verge. She can feel the anxiety building up and the tightening in her body.

She is trying to wipe down the counters and throw laundry in the washer and sweep the kitchen before her husband gets home in the next 15minutes. So she can hide the fact she spent the entire day asleep. Her life is hard she tells herself a tear rolls down her cheek.

The door flies open and the kids rush dad as he makes his way past the kitchen where she is standing he is fighting off the kids to set his work stuff down.
'Did he even see me standing here? Does it even matter? Could I be just anyone?'
He comes back only to ask what she is making for dinner and takes the kids to play in the living room without waiting for the response.

She open the freezer finds the chicken nuggets and throws them on a pan into the oven. We can be healthy tomorrow she thinks to herself. She turns to the cabinet to pull paper plates out as she hollers at the kids asking them what they would like to drink. 15mins later she divides up nuggets onto the plates and tells them dinner is ready.

Feeling invisible they talk around her at dinner. Dad directs the conversation for the kids as she zones out of her life. The dryer buzzer awakens her as the kids scatter from the table. The only thing Dad asks her is Did you sleep all day again? She resists the urge to have a screaming match. She hates how accusatory that sounds. Fuck Him she thinks. She rolls her eyes and says No!

She gets up from the table picking up everyone's plates and cups and putting away the ketchup.  Why don't they do this themselves she thinks they are not babies anymore and I'm tired! A black knot appears in her gut and she feels like it's tar like poison seeps her veins.

She tells the kids to take their baths as she folds their laundry and sweeps the kitchen. She finds Dad on the couch with the TV on scrolling his phone. The 2 younger kids are having a sword fight jumping from the couch to the love seat over to the coffee table. Toys cover the floor. The Baby says Look Mommie this is a moat around the castle. Dad is ignoring them jumping on the furniture. I'll never have nice things she thinks. Have you had your bath she asks it's almost 8pm. No they both say and she goes to run some water.

After she gets the kids to bed she pours a glass of wine and heads to the bath herself. Dad has migrated into the bedroom and as she reaches for the door He says are you going to go clean up for me? Are you fucking kidding me she thinks, and she says For what? I don't know he says I thought you'd want me. She throws up in her mouth that this is her love life. No I'm good she shakes her head and locks the door to the bathroom.

She lights a few candles for herself and turns out the lights and slips into the bath with her wine. She turns the water as hot as she can stand it. It feels good falling straight down over her feet. She thinks how invisible she is to her family and she feels her blood pressure drop from the heat of the bath. She takes her last sip of wine and slides underwater without a breath.