Momma

Today started like every other the alarm went off she told herself just 1 more hour. She wakes up and the kids are coming in the door from school. She told herself yesterday she wasn't going to sleep all day. She throws the sheets back putting all of her energy into standing up. Teetering she stands there a minute finding her balance thinking about the bed and how it loves her. She loves how sleep is blackness how time swirls past so quickly how when she is sleeping real life doesn't exist and she can be whoever she wants in her dreams and feel only the things she wants to feel. It is her escape and she would choose it over her Real Life any time.

The kids are done with their homework and their chores and are now picking fights with each other because they are bored. They are pulling her in all directions one is hungry, one wants the wifi password, and the other one is locked in the room with the music entirely too loud. Don't they know she is about to loose it? Can't they tell she is on the verge. She can feel the anxiety building up and the tightening in her body.

She is trying to wipe down the counters and throw laundry in the washer and sweep the kitchen before her husband gets home in the next 15minutes. So she can hide the fact she spent the entire day asleep. Her life is hard she tells herself a tear rolls down her cheek.

The door flies open and the kids rush dad as he makes his way past the kitchen where she is standing he is fighting off the kids to set his work stuff down.
'Did he even see me standing here? Does it even matter? Could I be just anyone?'
He comes back only to ask what she is making for dinner and takes the kids to play in the living room without waiting for the response.

She open the freezer finds the chicken nuggets and throws them on a pan into the oven. We can be healthy tomorrow she thinks to herself. She turns to the cabinet to pull paper plates out as she hollers at the kids asking them what they would like to drink. 15mins later she divides up nuggets onto the plates and tells them dinner is ready.

Feeling invisible they talk around her at dinner. Dad directs the conversation for the kids as she zones out of her life. The dryer buzzer awakens her as the kids scatter from the table. The only thing Dad asks her is Did you sleep all day again? She resists the urge to have a screaming match. She hates how accusatory that sounds. Fuck Him she thinks. She rolls her eyes and says No!

She gets up from the table picking up everyone's plates and cups and putting away the ketchup.  Why don't they do this themselves she thinks they are not babies anymore and I'm tired! A black knot appears in her gut and she feels like it's tar like poison seeps her veins.

She tells the kids to take their baths as she folds their laundry and sweeps the kitchen. She finds Dad on the couch with the TV on scrolling his phone. The 2 younger kids are having a sword fight jumping from the couch to the love seat over to the coffee table. Toys cover the floor. The Baby says Look Mommie this is a moat around the castle. Dad is ignoring them jumping on the furniture. I'll never have nice things she thinks. Have you had your bath she asks it's almost 8pm. No they both say and she goes to run some water.

After she gets the kids to bed she pours a glass of wine and heads to the bath herself. Dad has migrated into the bedroom and as she reaches for the door He says are you going to go clean up for me? Are you fucking kidding me she thinks, and she says For what? I don't know he says I thought you'd want me. She throws up in her mouth that this is her love life. No I'm good she shakes her head and locks the door to the bathroom.

She lights a few candles for herself and turns out the lights and slips into the bath with her wine. She turns the water as hot as she can stand it. It feels good falling straight down over her feet. She thinks how invisible she is to her family and she feels her blood pressure drop from the heat of the bath. She takes her last sip of wine and slides underwater without a breath.